The Goddess Watches the Election Results
(so you don’t have to)

The General Tso’s chicken is at the door, the wine is being poured, the pajamas are on, and in the Goddess Attic Election Center, we’re in for a hell of a night.

6:20: Watching CNN unveil their new Super-Holograph-o-Vision election technology. It appears that the rotating Capitol Building floating over Campbell Brown’s desk is frozen. Much like my laptop, only my laptop isn’t on national television and didn’t cost a gazillion dollars.

6:30: The first real numbers are in! McCain is up in Indiana and Kentucky with 1% of the precincts reporting. And by the way, what polls close at 6:00??!? What’s the deal, Indiana and Kentucky?

6:55: Grr, laptop still in limbo. Nothing responding. All browsers and tabs dead. Come on, technology! The polls are closing! Mr. Goddess graciously offers his Mac to this PC. There’s a commercial in there somewhere . . .

7:00: First projection: Obama wins Vermont. Way to go, hippies! McCain wins Kentucky. Those white Appalachians still love ya, Johnny. Not enough info to call Georgia, Indiana, South Carolina, and Virginia.

7:13: Political commentary from Mr. Goddess — “For God’s sake with the different rules in the different states! These are federal elections! What the fuck? Drives me barmy.”

7:29: I think I may have bypassed multitasking and smacked straight into holo-tasking. Watching CNN, NBC, and PBS. Twittering, following two Twitter streams, blogging. Checking CNNPolitics.com, Talkingpointsmemo, and NY Times. My eyes! My eyes!

7:48: NBC has called South Carolina for John McCain. That must feel a little good after 2000.

7:55: McCain headquarters is playing the Beatles’ “Nowhere Man.” Has the ennui set in already? 

7:35: Wolf Blitzer — “We’ll check out what’s going on in Florida, because those numbers can’t be right.” There’s a vote of confidence. 

7:58: CNN calls South Carolina for Obama –  even though McCain is currently leading in the actual vote – based on exit polls and “other information.” The “other information” being the fact that NBC has already called the race 10 minutes earlier.

8:00: Polls close in sixteen states. CNN projects the following for Obama: MA, IL, CT, NJ, ME, DE, MD,  and DC. McCain wins OK and TN. My home state of Pennsylvania too early to call. 

8:30: CNN projects New Hampshire for Obama. Now, that one’s gotta hurt John “The Comeback Kid” McCain.

8:31: Political commentary from Mr. Goddess: “Soledad O’Brien is soooo adorable. She’s like a little girl grown up.”

8:39: CNN now projects PA for Obama (PBS, ABC, and NBC had done so about 15 minutes ago). Way to go home state! Keep the party going.

8:50: From the Archives: Goddess of Clarity, November 3, 2004, 8:52pm — “I think I’ve just felt my first rumblings of fear . . .”  I was so confident about a Kerry victory in 2004, until the Ohio rumblings started. Curse you, exit polls!

8:53: Elizabeth Dole loses in North Carolina, for another Democratic pick-up in the Senate. The guy who wrote that “Godless Americans” ad is sooooo fired. 

8:59: Polls close in New York in one minute; get ready for a surprise projection!

9:00:  Just as I suspected! New York goes for Obama (along with RI, MI, WI, and MN) and McCain wins Wyoming and North Dakota. That’s 72 electoral votes to 6. Not a good hour for McCain. 

9:17: NBC is projecting their electoral map onto the ice rink at Rockefeller Center. I keep expecting a large ‘Muppet on Ice’ to skate by.

9:31: Jim Lehrer on PBS: “We’re now going to dazzle you with a map.” Ah, public television. Way to work those network TV 1980s cast-offs. Louisiana just  called for McCain. Quick, PBS! Someone get the red Sharpie!

9:26: On the other side of the scale, just caught a glimpse of the setup at NBC. They appear to be in some sort of weird graphic-design temple of democracy. Their chief pundit is separated from his map by a revolving  moat of taglines. 

9:38: Wow, Ann Curry on NBC is currently acting in a George Lucas film; she’s on a green screen stage reacting to graphs and maps she can’t even see. 

9:42: Jon King will bet his life that Washington, Oregon, and California will not go Republican tonight. Will you? Will you, Jon King? Will you bet your soul?

9:51: I feel like I should be exalting right now. Is it OK to exalt? 

9:55: Historian Michael Bechloss has become a leather-bound book. Stay away from the sunlamp, Micky!

10:05: In my premature presidential giddiness, I’d forgotten about the Senate. Looks like the Democrats have gained four seats. And Al Franken is winning in Minnesota! And do you know why? Because he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.

10:22: If Obama wins Washington, Oregon, Hawaii, and California, he’s at 284 electoral votes. 

10:30: I’m Tivo-ing Stewart/Colbert. Saving it for dessert for … let’s say … midnight.

10:40: Ooh, the virtual capitol is back on CNN! I haven’t seen it since it got stuck at the beginning of the night. On second thought, I gotta say I’m not impressed by the virtual capitol. Actually makes it harder to see what’s happening. Not a great way to visualize data.

10:50: OMG, will.i.am hologram on CNN. Is he the first person to ever appear by hologram? Commentary from Mr. Goddess: ”I know this is the wave of the future and ten years from now all interviews will be conducted this way, but right now it just looks weird.”

10:58: CNN calling Virginia for Obama. This is a big one. Polls close in CA, WA, OR, and HA in two minutes. This could be it…

11:00: Here’s to President Barack Obama! Commentary from Mr. Goddess, while raising his glass full of the “special occasion” whisky: “Get used to it: President Obama. This is big. This is fall of the Berlin Wall big.”

11:32: Thoroughly decent concession speech from McCain occasionally interrupted by “U-S-A” chants from frat boy mutton-heads.

11:59: Commentary from Mr. Goddess as speech begins: “None of you fuckers shoot ‘im!  None of you fuckers shoot ‘im. This is not 1968.” This is his first U.S. election. He’s a little excitable.

12:05: Tonight has ended, and become tomorrow. 

–lori.

2 comments

  1. Alkelda says:

    Hurrah! So much of it is good.

  2. scottski says:

    Give me John King and his telestrator ANY night. The man is a MAGICIAN with it! He must have won some Etch-a-Sketch contest long ago.

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