Archive for November 2008

Three Haisku: Cranberry Sauce

cranberry sauceThanksgiving jelly
Ruby-red ring-rimmed relish
Who needs a turkey?

Fresh from your tin can
Your thin, round slices shimmer
In your crystal dish.

Tangy solid sauce –
You are no mere condiment.
Eat you with a spoon.

PS — Check out this cool photostream for more images of food that takes the shape of its container.


Like Shooting Turkeys in a Barrel

I know it’s sorta beyond schadenfreude at this point, but this is just too good.

With over two million views on YouTube so far, the odds are good that you’ve seen this already. But just in case you haven’t, it’s worth a look.

I don’t know what’s funnier: the fact that former veep candidate Sarah Palin was filmed doing an interview in front of a turkey slaughter right after pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey, or some of the actual answers she gave during the interview.

Here’s a sampler, in answer to a question about what her future plans are:

“Reining in the growth of government, plans that have to do with helping to govern this state and building this team that is continually being built to provide good services to Alaskans.”

Wow, she can’t become a footnote to history fast enough.


Three Haisku* — The First Snow of Winter

Can’t find the snow brush
So Visa card scrapes the ice
Where’d I leave my gloves?

Bright white window glow
Wakens me early today
Snow sounds like quiet

Goodbye, autumn crunch
Crunch, crisp, rake, sweep — goodbye
Hello, winter slush


* “Haisku” pluralization courtesy of Fishsuit

President Obama in One Sentence

Salon has a nice piece today whereby reporters, commentators, and academics were asked the question “What does Obama’s victory mean?”  and then asked to confine their answer to a single sentence that begins with the same two words: “It means …”

I have a couple of favorites (It means the world is ready to follow if America is ready to lead; It means that our nation managed to “push the reset button,” and in one action, revived all the wonderful, idealistic overtones that go with the word “America.”) and I contribute my own below:

It means that, after eight long years, the smart kids have finally beaten the jocks.

Any more?


The Goddess Watches the Election Results
(so you don’t have to)

The General Tso’s chicken is at the door, the wine is being poured, the pajamas are on, and in the Goddess Attic Election Center, we’re in for a hell of a night.

6:20: Watching CNN unveil their new Super-Holograph-o-Vision election technology. It appears that the rotating Capitol Building floating over Campbell Brown’s desk is frozen. Much like my laptop, only my laptop isn’t on national television and didn’t cost a gazillion dollars.

6:30: The first real numbers are in! McCain is up in Indiana and Kentucky with 1% of the precincts reporting. And by the way, what polls close at 6:00??!? What’s the deal, Indiana and Kentucky?

6:55: Grr, laptop still in limbo. Nothing responding. All browsers and tabs dead. Come on, technology! The polls are closing! Mr. Goddess graciously offers his Mac to this PC. There’s a commercial in there somewhere . . .

7:00: First projection: Obama wins Vermont. Way to go, hippies! McCain wins Kentucky. Those white Appalachians still love ya, Johnny. Not enough info to call Georgia, Indiana, South Carolina, and Virginia.

7:13: Political commentary from Mr. Goddess — “For God’s sake with the different rules in the different states! These are federal elections! What the fuck? Drives me barmy.”

7:29: I think I may have bypassed multitasking and smacked straight into holo-tasking. Watching CNN, NBC, and PBS. Twittering, following two Twitter streams, blogging. Checking, Talkingpointsmemo, and NY Times. My eyes! My eyes!

7:48: NBC has called South Carolina for John McCain. That must feel a little good after 2000.

7:55: McCain headquarters is playing the Beatles’ “Nowhere Man.” Has the ennui set in already? 

7:35: Wolf Blitzer — “We’ll check out what’s going on in Florida, because those numbers can’t be right.” There’s a vote of confidence. 

7:58: CNN calls South Carolina for Obama –  even though McCain is currently leading in the actual vote – based on exit polls and “other information.” The “other information” being the fact that NBC has already called the race 10 minutes earlier.

8:00: Polls close in sixteen states. CNN projects the following for Obama: MA, IL, CT, NJ, ME, DE, MD,  and DC. McCain wins OK and TN. My home state of Pennsylvania too early to call. 

8:30: CNN projects New Hampshire for Obama. Now, that one’s gotta hurt John “The Comeback Kid” McCain.

8:31: Political commentary from Mr. Goddess: “Soledad O’Brien is soooo adorable. She’s like a little girl grown up.”

8:39: CNN now projects PA for Obama (PBS, ABC, and NBC had done so about 15 minutes ago). Way to go home state! Keep the party going.

8:50: From the Archives: Goddess of Clarity, November 3, 2004, 8:52pm — “I think I’ve just felt my first rumblings of fear . . .”  I was so confident about a Kerry victory in 2004, until the Ohio rumblings started. Curse you, exit polls!

8:53: Elizabeth Dole loses in North Carolina, for another Democratic pick-up in the Senate. The guy who wrote that “Godless Americans” ad is sooooo fired. 

8:59: Polls close in New York in one minute; get ready for a surprise projection!

9:00:  Just as I suspected! New York goes for Obama (along with RI, MI, WI, and MN) and McCain wins Wyoming and North Dakota. That’s 72 electoral votes to 6. Not a good hour for McCain. 

9:17: NBC is projecting their electoral map onto the ice rink at Rockefeller Center. I keep expecting a large ‘Muppet on Ice’ to skate by.

9:31: Jim Lehrer on PBS: “We’re now going to dazzle you with a map.” Ah, public television. Way to work those network TV 1980s cast-offs. Louisiana just  called for McCain. Quick, PBS! Someone get the red Sharpie!

9:26: On the other side of the scale, just caught a glimpse of the setup at NBC. They appear to be in some sort of weird graphic-design temple of democracy. Their chief pundit is separated from his map by a revolving  moat of taglines. 

9:38: Wow, Ann Curry on NBC is currently acting in a George Lucas film; she’s on a green screen stage reacting to graphs and maps she can’t even see. 

9:42: Jon King will bet his life that Washington, Oregon, and California will not go Republican tonight. Will you? Will you, Jon King? Will you bet your soul?

9:51: I feel like I should be exalting right now. Is it OK to exalt? 

9:55: Historian Michael Bechloss has become a leather-bound book. Stay away from the sunlamp, Micky!

10:05: In my premature presidential giddiness, I’d forgotten about the Senate. Looks like the Democrats have gained four seats. And Al Franken is winning in Minnesota! And do you know why? Because he’s good enough, he’s smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like him.

10:22: If Obama wins Washington, Oregon, Hawaii, and California, he’s at 284 electoral votes. 

10:30: I’m Tivo-ing Stewart/Colbert. Saving it for dessert for … let’s say … midnight.

10:40: Ooh, the virtual capitol is back on CNN! I haven’t seen it since it got stuck at the beginning of the night. On second thought, I gotta say I’m not impressed by the virtual capitol. Actually makes it harder to see what’s happening. Not a great way to visualize data.

10:50: OMG, hologram on CNN. Is he the first person to ever appear by hologram? Commentary from Mr. Goddess: ”I know this is the wave of the future and ten years from now all interviews will be conducted this way, but right now it just looks weird.”

10:58: CNN calling Virginia for Obama. This is a big one. Polls close in CA, WA, OR, and HA in two minutes. This could be it…

11:00: Here’s to President Barack Obama! Commentary from Mr. Goddess, while raising his glass full of the “special occasion” whisky: “Get used to it: President Obama. This is big. This is fall of the Berlin Wall big.”

11:32: Thoroughly decent concession speech from McCain occasionally interrupted by “U-S-A” chants from frat boy mutton-heads.

11:59: Commentary from Mr. Goddess as speech begins: “None of you fuckers shoot ‘im!  None of you fuckers shoot ‘im. This is not 1968.” This is his first U.S. election. He’s a little excitable.

12:05: Tonight has ended, and become tomorrow. 


Top 10 Reasons to Vote for Obama Tomorrow

10.  To be a part of history.  Just think: the first Muslim Marxist terrorist president!

9.    He’s brand spanking new! Like an Android-powered G1.Obama logo

8.    He still talks about global warming and energy policy without resorting to chanting.

7.    Two words: President Palin.

6.    Because hope is audacious, and possibly contagious.

5.    He’s made of kittens and smells of rainbow candy.

4.    He has the most amazing website of any political candidate ever. I’m serious. Take a look: graphic design, information architecture, writing, functionality, innovation. Doesn’t validate, but you can’t have everything. 

3.    Because Tina Fey must be exhausted.

2.    Because a Phillies victory and a Democratic victory within the same week may actually render me physically incapable of cynicism and bitterness.

1.    Because we all live in “Real America,” and it would be nice to have a president who believes that.

See you at the polls tomorrow. 


A Two-Minute History of the Presidential Election

In March of 2006, Delaware senator Joe Biden became the first to announce his candidacy for President of the United States. It would be another 20 months before a single vote was cast, and by the time of the Iowa caucuses, 16 people would be running for the office from the two major parties. On Tuesday, there will be only two. 

How did we get here? Here in two minutes or less are the highlights and lowlights of this  endless campaign, which is finally coming to an end. 

Upset wins in Iowa for Barack Obama and Mike Huckabee . . . . Republicans asked during debate to raise their hand if they don’t believe in evolution; three out of nine raise their hands . . . . Hillary Clinton cries in diner, wins in New Hampshire . . . .  New Hampshire makes John McCain country’s oldest “comeback kid” . . . . Fred “Law and Order” Thompson drops in then out of the GOP race . . . . Rudy Guiliani crashes and burns in Florida . . . .  After 24 primaries on Super Tuesday in February, both races still wide open . . . .  Obama wins string of caucuses and primaries . . . . Clinton wins some biggies in Pennsylvania, Ohio  . . . . McCain becomes GOP nominee . . . . FOX News ratings soar as videos of Obama pastor Jeremiah Wright enter heavy rotation . . . . Superdelegates break for Obama, but Clinton does not concede; pushes Dems to count votes of rule-breaking states Michigan and Florida . . . . Last Democratic primaries; Clinton wins South Dakota, Obama wins Montana . . . . Clinton concedes; Obama becomes Democratic nominee, but will he win with the “Hill-raisers?” . . . . Obama opts out of public financing for general election; raises $82 bazillion dollars . . . . Obama picks Biden as VP; packs Mile High Stadium in Denver for convention speech . . . . The next day, McCain names Alaska governor Sarah Palin as his running mate  . . . . Palin wows the party faithful at the GOP convention in Minnesota . . . . Financial crisis worsens as Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and Lehman Brothers collapse . . . . McCain “suspends” campaign to “manage” financial crisis; campaign activities continue as usual and crisis is far from “managed” . . . . Novelty value of Sarah Palin wears off as VP candidate faces Trooper-gate and Wardrobe-gate . . . .  Joe the Plumber, Joe the Plumber, Joe the Plumber . . . . With two days to go, polls have Obama ahead of McCain, but polls are naughty tricksters and are not to be trusted. 

See you in the voting booth!


Trick or Treat!

It was a lot quieter at the house this year, which is odd because the weather was tailor made for trick-or-treating. Our house doesn’t get much Halloween love to begin with, being located uphill from the main drag and across the street from a hospital. Oh well, more miniature Clark bars for me I guess.

Princesses still rule the day, but there was also some old-school creativity afoot this year!

7:40[first trick-or-treaters at 7:40?!] Two princesses, a Pocohantas, and a girl wearing a kimono

7:50 — robot in a tin-foil covered box (the poor kid dropped his Twix bar and got stuck trying to pick it up), a princess, and a Star Wars storm trooper. I like it when geeks start out young.

8:05 – A giant traffic cone (!) and a Barbie. I feel bad because I neglected to compliment the Barbie’s outfit because I was so impressed by the traffic cone. The traffic cone was impressive. His little arms barely stuck out the holes cut in the sides.  

8:15 — Skelator and cheerleader, followed by the first teenagers of the night. There was a guy in a cool Egyptian pharoah costume, Snow White,  then a couple of kinda sad teenage costumes: guy in baseball hat with white makeup and a girl in miniskirt and ponytail. Dudes, make an effort!

8:20Two cheerleaders, another princess (a tiny one, awww) and I think it was a pirate. 

9:05 — Tigger of Winnie-the-Pooh fame, and girl in a “this is my Halloween costume” t-shirt.

And that was it, kiddies. Then it was off for some grown-up trick-or-treating at Elixr to see a friend-of-a-friend’s band. There were some cool grown-up costumes in effect, and not just of the “hey, it’s Halloween! I’m going to dress like a whore!” variety. When did Halloween become slutty? Halloween is scary or funny, not slutty.

Some highlights: Bert from Sesame Street, a totally creepy looking Joker in a nurse’s outfit from Dark Knight, Jesus Christ, the mandatory guy-in-gorilla-suit, a green fairy, and Michael Phelps (guy wearing speedo, cap, and many gold medals — and nothing else.) That last costume was definitely weather dependent.